Uncontrollable
by tinylexie
Summary: Darken Rahl's thoughts about Richard controlling him with the Boxes of Orden in "Unbroken."


I emerged from the night sky

Expecting to triumph over you, dear brother,

But instead I found myself

Facing my worse nightmare.

You had the power of Orden in your hands, dear brother.

I was too late to stop you,

So I ended up becoming your mindless slave.

I've spent most of my life being afraid of you, dear brother.

Prophecy, after all, said that you would one day kill me,

But there was always something I feared more than death,

And that something was no longer being in control.

I need to be in control.

I need to feel as if I have some control over my destiny.

I knew that the moment I lost my freewill,

I would die inside,

And I did die when you ordered me to get on my knees,

Right in front of you, dear brother.

For most of my life

Someone has always been placing you above me, dear brother.

Prophecy named you my destroyer,

And our father wanted nothing more than my destruction.

Our father loved you more, dear brother, than he ever loved me.

Our father always placed you above me, dear brother,

And I always despised him for that.

I always despised you, dear brother,

For being so much better than me.

I wanted to be the Master of the Boxes of Orden

Not just to gain power over everyone,

Not just to protect my life,

But mostly I wanted such ultimate power

Because I wanted to control you, dear brother.

I wanted you to experience firsthand

What it feels like to not be the better brother.

As soon as control was yours, dear brother,

My first reaction was anger.

I wanted to resist, but I couldn't.

I had to obey you, dear brother,

For you were the Master of the Boxes of Orden,

Which also made you the Master of me.

The anger, the struggle to resist,

Quickly faded away from me.

I loved you, dear brother,

When you ordered me

To get on my knees,

Right in front of you.

I wanted to obey you, dear brother,

For you were the Master.

Now I know what it feels like to be confessed,

To be a mindless slave

Who can no longer think for himself.

All I wanted to do was please you, dear brother,

Because my mind would not allow me to do anything else.

The Boxes of Orden made me mindless.

Perhaps that's what made me love you so much, dear brother.

My mind, completely empty, needed something to fill it.

My empty mind needed someone to be devoted to

In order to give it purpose.

You gave me purpose, dear brother,

By allowing me to serve you.

A confessed person has no mind

Besides serving his mistress.

I was confessed by you, dear brother.

I was a mindless, empty slave,

But I loved you

Because my mind needed to love someone

In order to exist.

After all, one cannot exist without a purpose.

If one had no purpose, they would quickly fade away

Into emptiness and nothingness.

Why you spared my life I don't know, dear brother.

Perhaps it was out of compassion,

Or perhaps you had some sick desire to control me,

The evil tyrant.

It must have been thrilling to you, dear brother,

To be able to hold the fate of my life

By just speaking a word.

You could have commanded me to die,

And I would have had to obey.

You could have commanded me to torture myself,

And I would have had to obey.

After all, I no longer had any freewill.

I had to obey you no matter what.

I heard, along with you, dear brother,

That our beloved baby sister

Had been kidnapped by the Sisters of the Dark.

I felt as much distress as you did, dear brother.

I knew what the Sisters of the Dark were capable of,

And Jennsen was my baby sister.

I would have loved her

If she had brought me all three Boxes of Orden,

But instead she betrayed me

And gave you, dear brother, all the power, all the control.

Still, I loved her, for she was a part of my family;

And blood can never be fully forgotten.

Also, I knew that you loved her, dear brother,

And since my only purpose for living

Was to please you,

I loved her in order to make you happy.

I loved Jennsen because I loved you, dear brother.

The Boxes of Orden gave me

No other choice but to love you.

Even though the Boxes of Orden

Made me submissive to your will, dear brother,

I couldn't be totally passive.

Our beloved baby sister's life was at stake.

I had to speak up.

I knew that you could control the Sisters of the Dark

Through the Boxes of Orden,

But I wanted to feel useful.

I need to feel useful, dear brother.

I can't think of a worse fate

Then having no purpose to exist,

Then being completely meaningless.

I had to speak up.

Besides, I loved our beloved baby sister,

And I wanted her to realize that.

I want to love my family,

And I want my family to love me back.

I had to speak up,

And you allowed me to come with you, dear brother,

In our important mission to rescue our beloved baby sister.

Now I have a confession to make, dear brother.

Even though I was under the control of the Boxes of Orden,

When your wizard said

That the Sisters of the Dark

Might be using Jennsen

To bring control back to the Keeper,

Something hopeful stirred up inside me.

I saw a chance to be free of your control, dear brother,

And even though the Boxes of Orden

Forced me to love you,

I was not totally mindless.I had not totally lost my freewill;

It had just been waiting

For the moment it could finally be released.

My mind, a slave to love and devotion,

Was merely waiting for the time

Where it could finally escape and be free.

I cannot be controlled; I am truly uncontrollable.

I can be charming when I have no other choice,

But as soon as I am able to strike,

I will strike,

And my strike will be deadly.

When we arrived at the cave

And I saw our cold, pale beloved baby sister,

I temporarily forgot about escaping

From your control, dear brother.

The Sisters of the Dark had murdered

Our beloved baby sister,

And they were going to pay for that.

After all, blood is blood, and family is family.

Even though you could control the Sisters of the Dark

With the Boxes of Orden, dear brother,

My sword was ready for blood.

Now I have another confession to make, dear brother.

I didn't want you to control the Sisters of the Dark.

I wanted to kill them all

For murdering our beloved baby sister.

I truly loved her, dear brother,

Just like I truly loved you.

Suddenly I felt a raging fire roaring inside me.

I realized that I was free of your control, dear brother.

Someone, no doubt the Sisters of the Dark,

Had separated the Boxes of Orden,

Taking all the power and all the control

Away from you, dear brother.

I was free.

I no longer

Had to be your mindless, empty, love slave, dear brother.

I could once again live for myself,

And it was all thanks to the Sisters of the Dark.

They are usually quite incompetent.

But for once in their lives,

They actually managed

To do something extremely useful.

Our beloved baby sister was lost to us, dear brother,

But there was nothing we could do for her.

It was time to let her go.

Besides, she was Pristinely Ungifted,

And she would have been a threat to me

If she had lived

Because she cannot be controlled by magic,

Including the magic of the Boxes of Orden.

She should have brought me all three boxes

When she had the chance.

Now she has paid for her foolish mistake

With her life.

Don't get me wrong, dear brother.

I do love Jennsen,

But I find being too sentimental a weakness.

I have to live for myself

Because no one else cares about me.

I have to look out for myself and myself only

Because no one else is going to do that for me.

I will not allow Jennsen's death

To linger on my conscience.

I can't allow that to happen

Because that would weaken me,

And if I'm weaken,

I will be brought down to my knees again;

And like I've said before,

I can't imagine a worse fate

Then having no purpose to exist,

Then being completely meaningless.

I couldn't allow the Sister of the Dark

To kill you, dear brother.

You must understand,

I had to have my vengeance against you.

You had taken away my freewill, dear brother.

I had wanted ultimate control

In order to bring peace and harmony to the world,

In order to save myself from you,

And in order to place myself above you

For once in my life.

You thought that I was evil, dear brother,

For wanting such supreme power and control.

I guess, dear brother, you think it's evil

For me to take away someone else's freewill,

Yet it's not evil for you to take away my freewill.

I am, after all, the evil tyrant,

While you are the great, noble hero.

I suppose, though, that I can't blame you, dear brother,

For your twisted way of thinking.

You are, after all, in love with the Mother Confessor,

And her touch takes away freewill.

Everyone that she releases her power into

Immediately become her mindless slaves

That live only to please her.

She calls her power the power of love,

Yet her power takes away freewill.

Is that really what love is?

Well, then, I will now make another confession:

I love the whole world

Because I want to take freewill

Away from all living creatures.

I cannot be controlled; I am truly uncontrollable.

I can be charming when I have no other choice,

But as soon as I am able to strike,

I will strike,

And my strike will be deadly.

You controlled me, dear brother,

And made me your mindless slave.

You had no problem with controlling me.

It did not bother your conscience at all,

Even though you would call me evil

For not having a conscience.

I cannot be controlled; I am truly uncontrollable.

I can be charming when I have no other choice,

But as soon as I am able to strike,

I will strike,

And my strike will be deadly.

You made me empty of freewill, dear brother,

And then you called me your friend.

If I have to be controlled in order to be loved,

Then I don't want to be loved after all.

I thought that true love

Meant that both partners were equal,

But I guess I heard wrong.

True love means that one person is the Master,

While the other person is the mindless slave.

I cannot be controlled; I am truly uncontrollable.

I can be charming when I have no other choice,

But as soon as I am able to strike,

I will strike,

And my strike will be deadly.

I will never again be controlled by anyone.

That includes you, dear brother.

That even includes the Keeper.

For now on I will serve only myself.

I cannot be controlled; I am truly uncontrollable.

I can be charming when I have no other choice,

But as soon as I am able to strike,

I will strike,

And my strike will be deadly.

Now I have one last confession to make, dear brother.

I still love you

Because I want to control you.

I've changed my mind - I want to be loved.

After all, you did show me, dear brother,

That true love only occurs

When one partner is the Master,

While the other partner is mindless, empty, and submissive.

One should love their blood, their family,

And dear brother, my blood, my family,

I will never stop loving you.


End file.
